As lucky as that petrol attendant oke I always give massive tips to (his name is actually ‘Lucky’ – CHAMP), it’s cooling down a bit. I will not be impressed when its Winter again – Winter sucks ass! Winter is like that chick in a group of girls that just isn’t all there. Batshit crazy, argues with everyone, has upper-lip hair etc, but you know you’re not gonna get to hang with the belters (Summer in this case) unless she’s there too for a bit, so you tolerate her while she’s around.

No sief okes! This chickington is rocking a ‘tache AND braces! Lank chunder mode! PULL IN!!! Psht – NOT!

3 Things The Matt Lurrrves

So I got told this the other day by a flippin’ grenade of a chick, ”Matt all you do is complain…” Shut yo’ mouth dangnammit! There have been a few posts where I love on stuff! Here’s another – 3 things I dig.

1. Old School Heroes

Let me make this abundantly (<-- big word points! Boom!) clear, I’m not referring to super-heroes like Batman, Superman, etc. NO, I mean those big okes from what would mostly be 80’s movies. You know? The toppies all in The Expendables now. You can’t argue with me here, there is nobody that touches those boychies! I flippin’ grew up on Rambo and Rocky! The Rocky montages still make me want to go insane and break shit! I challenge you to tell me one new oke that comes even close to those gents! When did it become ‘OK’ for Zac Efron’s and Justin Bieber’s to be called cool? NEVAAAH!!! Nay I say! Nay to that kak!

Come at me!!! Those okes drew first blood my charnas! How can people NOT rate this oke as a champ?

2. Classical Music

OK, stop choking and spluttering! You drongo’s heard right! For real, if you actually just realised how bad ass those composers were back in their day. These bastards went around from court to royal damn court and shagged whoever and whatever they liked! Bach himself, had like 27 kids that we know of!!! Give respect where respect is due. Your boy’s Skrillex and so on with their waarrrrp-waaarrrp-bvvvvtsh fart music don’t know BALLS. Don’t get me wrong, I like to bang out my sets in the iron church to some good ol’ dubbidy-shhhtep and love a lot of modern music, but you can’t beat the classics! Beethoven was deaf and judging from his hair-style, crazy as farrrk too, respect it or piss off peasant and go grab some class!

Ludwig you crazy bastard!!! I bet that’s how his mates used to greet him! The “Beetz” was also a massive gym-boych!

3. The Pub

Weirdly enough, The Matt doesn’t even drink that much when he’s out and about. My followerserrr, erm, shit (I need to stop calling them that, I haven’t told them we’re a cult yet…) Ok, my ‘mates’ will testify on my behalf I don’t. Nein mein damen und herren (<-- extra bilingual points. BOOM!!!), I go out, 'cos I dig the chance to talk kak and I talk a looot of it and where better than at the local? Exactly! BOOM! Once you’re invited and accept coming with me, you’re pretty much a captive audience (my mate Nick knows, but falls for it all the time) and you will hear my opinion on just about anything I want – but it’s never boring!

Jislaaik Tiddles, get your shit together! This is what happened last time me and this oke went to the pub! Never again!!!

So that’s that you ‘orrible lot! Mattcredible OUT!

Fo’ rullz though peepy-dinks, what’s good? It’s your boy, The Matt, and I’m here to blow your MINDS! Well, to give you something shweet to read over at the very least.

This is what I would like to see happen to your pip’s when you’re done reading this rubbish!

2 Awesome Reasons To Wake Up

What-it-do shawties and bro-ties? There’s some things worth getting up for in the morning often taken for granted, my favourite reason for getting up is ‘cos I get to check myself in a mirror, seriously, it’s awesome! Check these other reasons out! Sha-ZAAAM!

1. Shit! You’re Alive!

Chill your panties please, I’m not trynna be some motivational speaker to bore you with kak like “team work makes the dream work” and other weak quotes like that – none of that sissy shit here thanks! Nawt, what I mean by “You’re Alive” is that, holy-nipple-squeegee’s! You’re not a farken vampire bru! (Don’t you DARE come at me with that new-age hippy shit about these new vampires that glitter and kak, that’s not a vampire, that’s a drongo covered in body-glitter) Now, I know it would be shweet to be a vampster sometimes, let’s be Frank, no actually Frank’s a doos, let’s rather be ‘Nick’ (he’s a kief oke, even if he does sometimes mumble to himself and lick windows) – So, vampires… Those boychies jol all night, pick up chiquilas like it’s nobody’s business AND are moer strong.

However…

Vampsters are often batty-boys. They even traditionally turn INTO bats – is that not a big enough hint for you? Also, the chicks that dig ‘em are a bit psycho hey – for real, they often scream lank and carry some serious baggage! As for being strong – well yea okes, let’s not deny it, vampires often get their ass’s kicked by a nastier looking bastard with flippin’ huge toothpick called a stake (hmm… steak… gurgurgle…).

Jislaaik’t though, I gotta say! Vampire betties are HAWWWT! – That ginger on the right… SHOTGUN!!! ‘Sup..?

2 . Breakfast

After being in a lengthened fast for up to 8 hours sometimes (in The Matt’s case, often more), this is the BUSINESS! Need I say more? Get up, make a farrrken egg or 2 (or 3…), get that protein in and watch those arms grow big! Don’t stand for these, “I don’t do/like breakfast” types, in fact, don’t even trust those people! They just haven’t given it a damn try! And if you’re only gonna chow All Bran every day, no wonder you don’t love it! You’re not getting it all this morning, you’re just making sure you’ve grazed down cardboard!

People eat this? I guess nothing beats a bowl of cow lactation and rabbit pellets in the morning… C’mon! It looks like buck turd man!

So there you go, I’ve given you 2 Mattastic reasons to get your ass up every day. Let’s not forget, everyday you’re getting one day closer to retirement and just imagine how much time you can spend doing squats ‘n curls when you’re not even working anymore! Sounds like heaven (which also gets one day closer…)

You’ve surely seen this champ before, but fo’ rullz! This oke has taken retirement and said, “Yo, lets get RIPPED!”

Behave yourselves you drongo’s! ‘Til we meet again – Matt Out.

That’s right! Tiddles and I hit the weights like BEASTS!

So much to catch you okes and girlchies up on it’s as ridiculous as a South African parliamentarian! SHA-ZAAAM!!! A lot has gone down yo! One or 2 betties with gratitude-attitude problemo’s included, but this isn’t a farrrken Facebook status, so don’t expect to catch your boychie whinging like a school-girl here! No, this is BAT COUNTRY bitches! (?10 points for whoever knows the movie that’s from…)

Dang straight Pooh, dang straight!

Without further ado…

3 Things That Aren’t Cool Brah…

1. Being A Doos At Gym

You know who you okes are and you chicky-dees know who you are too. Being a “Box” at gym can entail a bunch of sins. Obviously first thing springing to mind are the flappers that curl in the Squat Rack. If you know that’s you, then buggering hell – please tell us all once for all why you do it? Other things making you get a prime spot on the “Doos List” include being that loud oke that does 1 set then walks around talking to people at the top of his flippin’ voice. Listen nipple-nose, we’re trynna work here – shut your trap or go squat on a Power-Plate! As for you chick-nips rocking make-up and enough perfume to fumigate a sewerage house. Get your backsides on those bikes and peddle, less chit-chat, more “make your arse fit” into those tight leggings you chunksters seem to insist on wearing!

NO!!! This is NOT how you do it!

2. Playing Games

Nah man chill, I’m not flippin’ telling you to put your 30 Seconds board away, jeez man! That shit’s legit, I like getting a partner I don’t really like and then making shit up so they never get what’s on the card and then we all look at that person like they melted off a retarded side-walk. It means a loss of a round, but it’s a win for The Matt in so many other ways. ANYWAY what I meant was these flippin’ (ok now imagine a betties squeaky voice here, ahem…) “I like you, but like, yea, I wanna see where it goes, hehehe.” Needs to stop. And okes, I’m not letting you chop-squatches get off lightly here, we all dig a bit of an ego boost but when the chick with more pimples and thinner hair than Gollum is flirting with you, don’t be a doos and lead her on hey. Unless you’re into those chiquilas, then by all means hey, but as serious as running outta protein shake, this kinda fibbing needs to stop hey. It’s not cool.

RAAAAARGH!!! Outta PROTEIN FARGLE-SHNARGLE!!! Chillax oke! Jeeez!

3. Meggings, Crocs, All That Kak

I don’t care who you are, but there is no excuse to still be wearing Crocs in this day and age. I said they looked retarded and refused a pair when they came out, I’ll sure as JZ’s Nkandla residence is extravagant refuse to ever accept them NOW. Come now, are we not past this yet? I’ve actually seen MORE people wearing them lately and to be honest, that scares the shit outta me more than watching all the Paranormal Activities back-to-back on my own! To add insult to fashion there’s some new thing called “Meggings” coming… Watch those okes, those charlies we all laughed at in skinny jeans? Psht, CHILD’S play. Meggings are LITERALLY leggings for MEN. Please. Kill yourself.

When and HOW did this become ok? This oke’s dad must be so proud!

So there you have it, a new post, some new things I’ve just kakked out about. To be honest, whether you agree or not affects me as much as “Liking” a Facebook post to stop world hunger works. It doesn’t! Buuuurn!!!

Mattcredible out.

So South Africa, we’re pretty bleak hey? Stuff is LANK expensive, the end of year rush is kidney-punching everyone trynna get projects out and budgets spent and to top it all off – as is usual we’re all in agreement that we all dislike each other equally! HOORAY!!!

Boys ‘n girls – stop the silliness! Hug your neighbour (especially if they’re haaawt!) and remember why this is a pretty SHA-WEET country…

3 Reasons To Love South Africa

1. We Have Flippin’ AWESOME Music!

There’s something we all agree with off-the-bat (we also all agree the Parlotones are REALLY annoying right?). Come on, we know how to make music. Whether it’s Ladysmith Black Mambazo, The Drakensberg Boy’s Choir, TKZee, Die Antwoord or new and flipping ROCKING okes on the block – Iso (Isochronous as they used to be called). We are jammin’ man! Cliché as it is, there’s no denying Mandoza’s “Nkalakatha” gets everyone nodding (I see you cool black guy at the bar, I see you and I KNOW you want to…). Let’s not even get started on ol’ Johnny Clegg’s “Impi”. People hear that and damn, you KNOW you want to get to the N2 as soon as possible and start a protest – don’t hate, it’s true! Point is, our tunes are diverse and as much as I hate having, “Kaptein spannie seile!!!” Stuck in my head for days, I love it too!

2. We All Like SOME Kinda Sport

Whether it’s the choking of the Proteas, the agreement among all rugby fans that we don’t like EP Super Kings just ‘cos we can or if you think Chad Le Clos’ dad should be a praise-singer in parliament – Somewhere along the line, every South African likes “A” sport. Let’s be frank – we’re pretty good at most of them too for the most part. Even Bafana-Bafana, I rate, is going to impress us soon (Igesund, don’t let me down bru – I got your back).

This oke in leopard skins, praise-singing… Admit it, it would be freakin’ AWESOME!

3. Damn We’re Sexy!

All that sport is bound to make an impact and come on, even our ugly people have some kinda appeal – it might not be looks, but there’s something and THAT’S what “sexy” is! Our men, for the most part (I’m looking at you hipsters and Parlotones – man up okes!) are the types of chaps that cry when it’s necessary, but we refuse to ever be pansies – foreign girls love the fact we don’t wear blimmen make-up and kak and that we instinctively know how to use a screwdriver and drill. Our girls, well do I need to get into? They’re sweet when they choose to be, but where else in the world do chicks learn to throw a cricket ball as far as their brothers, will get muddy in the bush for fun, but will still look GORGEOUS when they’re going out? I rest my case…

I have no real reason for putting this chicks in, but I did and I have.

I could go on for ages, our accents aren’t nearly as irritating as Aussies for instance, our beer and brandy is top-notch etc… I could also list the negatives, but News24 does that enough for us already right? Cut the whinging girlsters and boysters, we could be living in the USA – they don’t even have rugby (poor bastards). SHA-ZAM!

Ka… BLAM!!! That’s what you get you crazy Russian bastard!

So now from the balconies, can I get an AMEN!? From you guys in the front seats – Gimme an ALLELUIA! And from all y’all other bastards Can I get an OH YEA!? (Points to the first person, to write in the comments where I just got that line from…)

I’m stoked! Okes, chicks, we’re going to rock this like we never rocked it before!

Stay classy San Diego! And for the first time in a LONG time… SHA-ZAAAAAM

!!!!