Shizer okes and Chiquilas!!! Well it’s just been too damn long since I posted something to entertain you, you, you and well , uh, you! (And that pretty much sums up the amount of readers I have…) This has just been a flippin’ HECTIC year lads ‘n lassies! Jaaaslaaik’t! 2012, you ain’t gonna be forgotten when you finally, “Gee-yet da-furple-durp OUT!”
The 3 Types Of People That Need A Shin-Kick
I’m a pretty placid oke, well for the most part, but there definitely are 3 types of people that I can’t really handle. We’ve all seen them, we all know one or 2 of them and we all probably agree that a good ol’ bit of waterboarding would do them some good!
1. The Douche-Driver
“Too easy Matt…” I hear y’all saying, ‘cos I’m bringing up an obvious one, but let me explain a douche to you. I’m not yakking on about those boychies that push their way into the front of a queue of traffic at a robot to turn right. Those okes have the RIGHT idea! And even though they sometimes seriously piss me off like News24.com comment section – I actually don’t blame them sometimes. No, a douche is that old fart driving slow in the fast lane or the chick in here flippin’ Nissan Micra that takes forever to turn when a robot arrow is green and pulls off just in time for her to get through, but nobody else!
2. The Gym-Tit
When The Matt isn’t off being farken awesome somewhere, these guns don’t just make themselves okes. If you’ve been into a gym, even to just check chiquilas on the elipticals, then you’ve surely seen countless “Gym-Tit’s”. There’s the oke who grunts, the sweaty twit that doesn’t lie on a towel/wipe the bench when he’s done and of course the dingleberry-shithead that not only drops, but flippin’ jumps in the air to add extra force when throwing their weights down.
The biggest Gym-Tit of them all though? He’s the drongo that walks around with a shaker (or 2) and goes around flippin’ chatting to everyone. WORRADOOS! In between chatting to everyone (read that as – “making everyone around him lose count of their own reps”) this “kitty-cat” will chuck a towel over this machine, put his bottle at that machine and leave his keys on that bench.
Him:”Flip! Hey oke.”
Me: “Yes?” (Thinking – I’m not your farken bro…)
Him: “I’ve saved this section, I’m doing a circuit.”
That just makes me wanna hulk out, grab a small child (or old person) out of the pool and smack this type of oke over the flippin’ head!
3. The “In-Your-Way” Parent
Look, The Matt is not a bad bloke, but I’m not too fond of the kiddy-winks ‘ey. I gotta be honest though, it’s often not the kids fault. They can’t help it most of the time, they don’t know boundaries and when they’re being snot brats 9 times outta 10. That’s the parent’s job to show them the ropes and teach them when to flippin’ behave (tough 1 – considering they don’t know how to themselves…). These parents need a kick to the shins.
1. The parent that stands at the top/bottom of an escalator in a busy mall, talking crap to another contributor to our planets over-population, with a trolley, pram and more often than not ANOTHER retarded toddler hanging on their hand. YOU ARE IN THE WAY!. Go to Cavendish on a Saturday and I guarantee you, you will find these types of nitwits at the on and off side of every escalator.
2. The parent that allows their kids to “pay” the parking ticket and even worse, the parent that then allows said kid to hang outta the flippin’ window to put the parking ticket in the box. Yes, yes, I know – it’s fun for the kid, bla bla bla, it’s cute, “Shame look at little Apollo-Banana.” Or whatever the fuck people are naming their kids these days, “being a grown-up.” Stoppit. Stoppit. Stoppit!!!
It’s not cute, do it when it’s quiet. Not when there are queues of people behind you.
3. That being said and done – The parent that just actually treats their kid like shit. Do all the above if you’re actually a good parent I guess, but these drongo’s that don’t take responsibility for their kids. Terrible is all I can say.