3 Things To Do In Winter

JAAAAAAASIE okes and chicks, I haven’t written in a flippin’ long time hey?! NAWT! You know The Matt’s been behaving himself and keeping outta trouble when he’s been quiet. Kinda like a predatorial animal in the wild, “You only worry when you can’t see it anymore.” And also if you’re with some oke that runs faster than you (I’ll trip a child to save my life – No lies). So it seems like not so long ago I was jumpin’ and jivin’ ‘cos Summer was turning up on this beee-yatch like a boychie arriving at La Med with his homies and his pals, but right now that same boych is farken sneaking out the door trynna make a getaway without being noticed, like the Jozi okes do when they leave the Cape at the end of their holiday and the ‘roids have worn off (we see you…)

So – with Winter coming in quicker than America sending it’s army to help catch Peter Pan or whoever is running a child army in that part of the world where oil has happened to be discovered, here’s a list of 3 Shweet Things To Do In Winter.

Kid With Gun

This is Never Neverland Beeeyatch!

1. Train Like A MOFO!

Winter is a KAAAK time of year, I don’t really trust the folk that enjoy Winter. The excuse that, “The clothes look more stylish.” Is a shite one. If you look chub-a-lubs, rocking more doughnuts round your belly button than a cheesy Martin Lawrence cop-film in your shorts and shirt in Summer, than chances are you’re still gonna look chub-a-lubs in that “trendy” trenchcoat you bought from Markhams boet. Ladies, same for you hey, If you looked like a squeezed toothpaste tube in your one-piece in Summer, your Woolies skinny jeans with riding boots aren’t gonna make you a belter.

I know I sound like a doos here, but realz – Winter IS NOT the time to sit-back and fatten up with the hopes of a new gym contract in July. No – It’s perfect! You don’t feel uncomfortable training and you also score the fact your body is burning extra calories to keep warm. Yes, chow like a beast! BUT NO excuses come Summer, blaming Winter for your extra blubber. I’m no oil-painting myself, and I ain’t looking for stick-chicks and muscle-heads, but don’t be a tool and think cold weather = OK to be lazy.

eat that

Come Summer, it's gonna be all, "It was Winter's fault!"

2. Read Dammit!

Yea we all like to kick back and watch a series or 2, and fokkit – Game of Thrones: Season 2 has just started, but for shitsake people. A Book. This may fascinate you okes, but you can get them in many different sizes and about many different things. So with all that spare time you have stuck inside while that shite wind blows freezing the bollocks off of everyone – take a chance and read. Shit, even if you just read the latest Men’s Health or Cosmo. The world’s becoming a stupid place, lets try slow the stupidity down a bit at least…

Funny book

Reading, there's something for everyone

3. Save Yo’ Money

I’m not saying you need to live like a tramp, but Winter is a the perfect time to not spend money on stupid shit. If you had a busy, shweet Summer like The Matt – chances are you’re close to broke, feel flippin’ tired and have garnered up a lot of shit you actually need to get done. Tiger-Tiger will still be there in November hey, by all means go out and have lekker-times; but think of the bigger picture. You are gonna want all the extra cash you can get in December. So kick back and hermit yourself, find a willing mate and crash their place for mini-parties. Bring your own booze, chip ‘n dips and shit should be just dandy.

saving money

Say what you will, but you KNOW Scrooge must have EPIC Summers!

Maybe not the exact kinda things you wanted to hear, but I don’t want Winter – so suck it up. Any other ideas of things to do in Winter? Zik your suggestion into the comments.

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  • A B Reeker

    Nice suggestions - ‘Tiger-Tiger will still be there in November’. Yes it will. And it will be flippen hard to come right there if you’re chubby, stupid and poor.